My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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