Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
