Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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