Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
