i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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