I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
then he tried to convert me to islam
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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