i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
