Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
