I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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