I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
