I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
