i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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