well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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