when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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