dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
