I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
