I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
