so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
