I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
