through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
