I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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