through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
