On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
