I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
