omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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