Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
