I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
