Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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