Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
