My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
