is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
where does the pee come out of this thing
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Found your dick twin last night
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
