we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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