Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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