I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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