stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
