I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
