Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The police scanner is talking about you again....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
