i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
