Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just pee around me
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
