i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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