she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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