Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
