I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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