Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
