yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
