Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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