recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
