ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
