Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
