our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
